Dear Mama,
This is going to be rambly and messy, but here it goes…
I’m sorry I didn’t sit down and help you with the book like you asked. If I’m being totally honest I was running so far and fast from the inevitable that I don’t know why I didn’t take a few hours to help. bc I’m a selfish brat and you knew that better than anyone, and said so often
I wish I could have been honest with you about my religion, but I know you’d have disapproved and prayed for my soul. I’m sorry you couldn’t see and accept that I believe differently than you did. I won’t go to your hell, Mama, and I’m sorry that you held so much fear within your religion. I hope someone showed and explained to you in death all that I could not tell you in life.
As much anger as I’ve boxed up about you and your decisions I’m left with as much regret as anger. I regret not learning all the recipes when I had the chance. I regret not doing more when I had time – not taking more initiative to spend more time. I regret not speaking up when you stepped on my toes and that I just went silent and didn’t express myself. I let myself be a pushover and I think that’s a big reason why you never seemed terribly interested in learning more. What good was a daughter with no backbone to speak her truth.
Well, I’m speaking it now. To any who cross me or put me down. You inspired that, Mama. You cancelled enough plans that I learned not to expect too much from anyone, you made snide remarks enough that I learned to formulate my words before I spoke up, and you spent enough time not telling me you were proud of me or that i was good at things that I trust my own opinions over most everyone else’s.
So, thank you. You may be gone now, but all the years of little disappointments and letdowns have made me jaded and bitter enough to stand tall, because no one’s love or opinions or approval or pride matters but my own.
Sincerely,
The Daughter Who Should Have Spoken Up Sooner
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