A note: 1) DO NOT REBLOG!
replies and asks are fine but please don’t reblog.
2) This post isn’t meant to be passive aggressive or call anyone out. This is simply me being honest about things I’ve noticed about myself and a relationship that I never realized was abusive until it was too late.
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My mother was a complicated woman and, while I don’t doubt that her intentions were well meant, she wasn’t perfect.
She had a tendency to pick my older brother over me a lot. When I was moody, sad, or angry I was told I was whiny, being bitchy, and needed to get over my mood. I was taught by example that my feelings were invalid and that any attempt to talk things out was me “starting shit”.
Only after her death did I really sit down and realize the scope of the emotional abuse she’d put me through and I can’t ask her now if she knew what she was doing or if her shitty relationship with my grandmother was ultimately to blame.
The point herein is that I know I seem like a strong person and I project this idea that I’m fine standing on my own without anyone to support me, but it’s beyond false. I can maintain without help for a long time until it all becomes too much. I depend on my “in real life” friends a lot when those times knock me down to my knees.
Recently a very close friend wasn’t able to make it to a planned breakfast meet up through no fault of theirs, but I somehow took it to heart and am still talking to them about my feelings on the matter. I’m struggling with this feeling that no matter what I say it won’t matter and that once they say their piece that’s the end and anything further is me being a bitch. Is it right? No, but it’s what I’ve been shown my whole life and it feels like fighting against a rip current.
I don’t want to swallow my feelings anymore and keep feeling like I don’t matter to the people I’ve chosen to love. I want to voice this and work out what’s bothering me, but even if she’s dead and in the ground she’s still here whispering that I’m unreasonable and that I’m just being a bitch.
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